Carpe Diem
Seize the day. Live today like it's your last day. No. Not yet anyway.
There's a question that has been on my mind and on most people around me-"Why are you still single" or "Why aren't you dating?" I try not to think about it or make it a priority to go out on the hunt, but it does come across my mind. I usually play it off cool and answer with "Well, no one is worthy in my eyes and I'm worthy in no one's eyes either." But of course I'm single, lonely, and want someone to love me. Duh! I'm as close to Drew Barrymore and Steve Carell as anyone can get. Actually I have been kissed, but only twice and that was way back in middle school. Other questions also boggle my mind- "Is there something wrong with me?" "Do I always have boogers?" "Am I not attractive? Am I that uncool?" Anyway, so what the hell have I been doing all these years??? Nothing...
You see I have this problem-issue-kinda-thing where I don't want to do casual dating and there are plenty of good reasons behind it. I'm a hopeless romantic. One who doesn't want to get married or have children before my ambitious goals are met; and I gave myself ample time to complete these goals (till I'm 40 years old). Maybe it spurs from watching too many movies, but I genuinely believe in doing things right the first time. Some like to call it "love at first sight". I'd like to call it "lust at first sight, but I really hope you're the one, so let's get to know each other". I should mention also that I'm shallow, superficial, and a little mean. Below the fierce, you'd-love-to-hate-me exterior, lies a naïve girl who actually believes love can conquer all and that a chivalrous schmuck will sweep her off her feet. The root of that problem is expectation-the expectation of old-time chivalry. It just doesn't exist anymore! Perhaps to the lucky ones, but for the rest of us, NO! I don't even get asked out on dates, and when I do get asked it's just guys, whom I'm simply not attracted to. Sorry, no attraction, no go. Whether it be physical or emotional attraction, if it ain't there, it ain't happening.
So what do I look for? I don't want to look for anything. I want to stumble upon love. I want to fall so quick and fall so hard that I don't even know what hit me. I want to be able to differentiate between infatuation and actuation. Without passion, you've got nothing. But wait, there's a problem I can't be expressive. I'm an expert at hiding, especially my feelings. Bin Laden ain't got nothin' on me! I'm the best at it. In a pandoric box I lock up my feelings, my words and everything in between and bury that 10,000 meters below the earth and plant a freaking Ent on it. Basically, when I run into a guy I really like, I choke. He'd probably think I'm not even interested, that I loathe him as pitiful scum. Yes, I'm THAT confusing. I can let you know every trivial fact about me, make you feel like you've known me for years without letting you acknowledge that I have a heart.
Love is hard to find. I believe soulmates do exist, but are we lucky enough to find our other halves in this lifetime? Maybe, maybe not. Who knows? I do know that you will eventually find or let it find you, this instant connection, this unbreakable bond, which suffocates just to let you know its presence. It's love, it's heartache, it's turmoil...it's the quintessential tablet of an incomprehensible theory, which no one can prove or disprove. It's for you and you only. It's for you to accept or deny its existence.
2010. The beginning of a brand-new decade. Let it be the beginning of a brand-new me. Disregard the stringent sense of pride. Let me seize the day, no, seize the moment! Say what I feel right then and there. Let me live without fear of embarrassment and of rejection (I've spent too much time on the other side). Let me proceed boldly and be more proactive to seek what I want and satisfy my needs. Let me be selfish and think of myself first for once. Screw your feelings! Let's hear mine first.
This would be a first for me. From now on, I declare no mercy on love. I will come and I will conquer. Take that statement however you like.
Seems like the right time to change. Time to take matters into my own hands and not leave everything to chances.
Commence release of the beast...
